Life Update #2

This past week has been difficult to say the least. Finally, after trial and error and many breakdowns, I’ve managed to figure out why.

Since parting ways with my best girlfriend of four years, I’ve been incredibly lonely. My husband, who is my ride or die bestie, is amazing, but too much time with one person can ruin that relationship. I need someone else in my life, a fun girlfriend to balance out my time and give me the things my husband can’t. I need the balance of friendship outside of romance.

All in all, it hadn’t really hit me until the week before my period that I was not happy. When she and I parted ways, I didn’t feel anything about it or moreso didn’t allow myself to feel anything about it. So, I buried it away in some corner of my brain pretending that I didn’t care. I did care. And I knew it, but no part of me wanted to feel that pain. I felt numb because I was in shock to be honest. It all happened so quickly and attached to that shock was guilt because I didn’t handle it well.

Unconsciously I was hurting and it started to project itself into my life, my work, my mental state. I began to hate my work and dread it, both dog sitting and styling. This past week I’ve just felt so drained, uncomfortable, dissatisfied with anything and everyone and couldn’t for the life of me figure out why.

Now, I have. I already wasn’t a fan of my job and still am not, so I’m looking for a new one. But, I also have done nothing but work, do nothing, sleep, repeat. After a while that shit gets very old because there’s no enjoyment to balance it out. I need to dig up my voice and start leading and declaring things. I need that Nike energy of “JUST DO IT” back.

Figuring this stuff out made me realize I’m not crazy, just hurting. I’m not weird, just imbalanced. This week I am saying fuck it and planning things to do. Wednesday, I am going up to Dana Point to hang out with my moms (plural). Thursday, I am beginning more dog sitting, but also going grocery shopping with Daulton (my husband) and then to a pottery class. Friday, Daulton and I are going out to a club or bar hopping or both. I decided enough is enough and we’re having fun. Madison Allyse Bender is going to make sure she has the best life ever.

The friend problem is yet to be solved. I want a different job due to a few reasons, those being: I don’t fit in with the people there, I can’t stand the pace of the job, and the leadership is horrible. It’s not what I’d hoped it would be, but that’s okay because I’ve learned things from it and figured out that I don’t like that line of work which is actually a good thing.

The people you work with honestly make or break your job experience. They made my last job bearable, they made my current job terrible. I’m clearing my mind now and I’m going to make changes. We’ll see how long that lasts.

Good Luck To Me